"I want to satisfy theUndisclosed desiresIn your heart."- Undisclosed Desires, Muse
Mercredi, 26 mai '10:
I am not ashamed to admit that I have been rather lazy in the field of blogging as of late, and I know that I do not have anyone or anything to blame except for myself, and my own laziness. So after reading several friends' and strangers' blogs these past few weeks, I decided to start afresh, and begin anew; I will not delete the old Rewrite History, for disappointing as it had been at certain times, I found many things that I do not want to forget in that blog when I was rereading my old posts, although there had indeed been things in there that I would have most gladly liked to completely erase from my memories as well.
The reason why the need to start blogging again intensified all of a sudden is because I have been busy writing a lot of essays lately, and I find a lot of my written expressions in those essays extremely and disappointingly plain and simply bland, and certainly not juicy enough. I find myself struggling to find the synonyms for the simplest words, and it is sometimes difficult to trace the thread of my own ideas in my essays sometimes.
Previously, I had been very enthusiastic about blogging, but then there had been extremely interesting people to write about back then -- and here I have to confess that I had not exactly put my writing skills to good use the entire time, too. But I found it immensely amusing to play around with words, and when I stopped blogging, I discovered that, when I am working on other forms of writing, I am slowly, but surely, losing my words.
I long for those days when I used to narrate the present in my head as I would like to see it published in my blog posts. Previously, I had used my blog primarily as a way of self-reflecting. When I am writing a blog post, I look at myself from two opposing perspectives: the first, is how am I feeling, and what am I thinking today? And the second, is how would I like people to see me in this post?
Thus, I always find myself at a battle (with myself) as to where my loyalty should lie: to you, or to myself? Who should I be true to? In the end, of course, I end up continuing with my rambling endlessly, until in the end, I ultimately forget what the hell the fuss had been all about in the first place. For what does it all matter? All I had to do was write! Just write, damn it!
And not think of the consequences of writing? Ah, that is a lesson I have learned from past blogging experiences, and which I hope I will never forget. I suppose this lesson had been one of the guiltiest culprit behind my reason for my lack of blogging as of late. I find that thinking too much about these things simply killed my muse. If I'm too scared of the consequences of what I say, why not just shut the hell up and not say anything? That is the best medicine: denial. And if you think doing it will lead to something unpreventable, then don't do it at all.
I am pausing now. Pausing, and thinking of what I hope will come out of this blog. This is my first post in months, and I feel as if it's slowly coming back to me now. I'm not entirely sure what 'it' should refer to -- is it the spirit of writing? The joy? The past (that, if I'm not careful enough, is bound to repeat itself)? Perhaps there will be a new Cheese, and a new Dramatis Personae -- I am not sure, and I cannot see what the future would hold. Of course, when I think of how unfortunate the life of my next Cheese will be, it slowly kills my appetite for blogging.
Thus, let us begin... with 'innocent intentions', as I would like to call it. Innocent intentions, meaning that the whole point of blogging again will be solely for narcissistic purposes. This will be where I will love and hate myself. This will be where I will compliment and critique myself. This will be where I will laugh at, and cry for myself.
But of course, I will still continue to observe people as I have done for the past years, and I sometimes still can't get enough of indulging myself in people-watching sometimes. I absolutely love looking at people walking purposely from destination to another, and wonder what it is that they're smiling about, or why they're humming, and where their next destination could possibly be.
Observing people is not just my business. It is all anthropologists' business. This is what we do. Humans have always been of great interest to anthropologists. We are narcissistic mammals -- we love ourselves too much, that the process of self-reflection has become a fully long-established academic field. And since I am bound to do something of this sort professionally someday, why not start at the very bottom, as a rookie in the field?
Before I end this post, however, please do accept my sincere apologies, for the first thing that this post should have expressed is my warmest welcome to you readers. Some of you may know me, some of you may not, but this, I believe, seems almost entirely irrelevant, for sometimes who you see here in this blog could be entirely different from who you see in the real, physical world.
I would like to begin with a warning, too, for those who are unfamiliar with my blogging style -- sometimes I write truthfully, and record things as my eyes had seen them, and as my ears had heard them, and as my hands have touched them. Yet sometimes I exaggerate things, unconsciously perhaps, because I feel that that's how it should go recorded in history -- at least, within the vicinity of this blog. But the thing is, as a writer, I know I should be responsible for what I write, but trust me, I have trouble drawing the line between fiction and nonfiction myself.
My emotions can be raw in some posts, but the reason why I put them up here is so they would end up healing in real life soon. Whatever you read, and whatever emotions you take with you when you close this window -- I refuse to be accountable for them.
But all warnings and introductions and welcomes aside, I just have one last thing to say -- your life, after you close this window, will never be the same again, I'm afraid. So think twice before you decide to revisit this blog again.
